Tits McGee and Butts O’Flannigan

Tits McGee and Butts O’Flannigan

Tits McGee and Butts O’Flannigan were sitting down to lunch. They hadn’t seen each other in years. “You look great.” Said Tits. “No, you look great.” Said Butts. Tits only shrugged, her bright orange shirt jingling with rhinestones. Butts shifted uncomfortably in her chair. Tits leaned over and read the menu, her large bosoms heaving. Butts […] more…
At 14

At 14

The boys were sitting at a round table chattering loudly. One of them, a pale ginger named Pete, raised his hands up to his mouth and made a loud, wet fart noise that carried across the room to where I was sitting, working on a doodle before the end of class. Our Bio teacher, Ms. […] more…
Pretention

Pretention

“If we hurry, we can still buy some wine before Trader Joe’s closes!” He said as we hurried uptown from the theatre. It had just rained and the streets were glistening, the air steamy as the cars smeared past us on Lafayette Street. “Fascinating show.” I exclaimed. “I’m really impressed that I was able to […] more…
Bad Poetry

Bad Poetry

A few samples of the best of  my worst.   GEESE Nine White Geese They are like birds They are not like Dogs They fly.   HOT MAN Musty, crusty… His pants were filthy His sexy moves were not. He made me feel iffy My pen will try to remember How he farted And I […] more…

The Examined Life

The millions of sperm that were racing toward the egg as the frantic game of chance that would eventually be called “Jane” was happening. It was scary how close some sperm (an entirely different set of possibilities for future Jane) got, but failed, leaving one lucky little fragment of chromosome to fertilize the egg. Jane […] more…

American-Hyphenated

“So, you’re saying that if we, hypothetically, decided to move to New Zealand and I became a citizen there, I’d still have to pay taxes to the US on what I earned in another country?” I asked in total shock. Jackson scrutinized his phone and re-read the BBC article again. “Yeah, I think that’s what […] more…

Help Desk

Hi. Can I help you? Yeah. I’m looking for a clue. Ok, we have a variety of those. Is there a genre you’re interested in? Um. I was leaning toward Grad School? Ah! School Advice. That’s a popular one. We have:“Should I Go to School? Vol. 1-15″“Liberal Arts Grad School and You: Advice on How […] more…

How to Move in

The 10 step guide: How to Move in to Your New Place. Step 1: FREAK OUT! Step 2: Calm yourself. Take some deep breaths. Call your mother. Step 3: Have Mom and some friends over and watch, in a slight stupor, as they pick up your life and move it somewhere else. Step 4: Go […] more…

Seattle

We stood on the pier and watched how the clouds hugged the mountains in the distance. The grey sky hung low, giving the impression that the sun had disappeared and gone somewhere far away to shine on smiling faces. I felt gloomy. The grey bay looked cold, the seagulls looked tired, the dark green of […] more…

The Blast-Off to Mugu Beach

People are walking fast, then slow, then there are tourists who don’t seem to be walking at all. The buildings that surround the street like a canyon are all flashing bright signs that move and wiggle causing even the most dedicated foot watcher to look up every so often in the anticipation of some pepsi […] more…

Miley Cyrus

My jaw dropped. Out came Miley, slinking her way down a giant teddy bear, wearing a one piece teddy-tard (instead of leotard) with a bear’s face that looked like he’d just swallowed acid and was tripping balls. Miley didn’t look too far behind, wagging tongue and rolling her eyes as she bounced around on stage […] more…

Hand Written

He slid the note across the bar, then looked up at me. I picked up the small piece of paper and squinted in the dark. “The people in this room are putting me in a bad mood. :( ” The note said. I smiled and nodded my understanding back at him. I pulled out my […] more…