Nobody Got Time For Your Nasty Chew

Why do people chew with their mouths open? I mean, were you raised in a barn? Did you need to show your teeth so as to ward off the other vicious farm animals? I have never been able to tolerate the sound of people chewing. Ever. Don’t chew loudly in front of me, it makes me want to scream! Always has! Sure, everyone masticates differently. I understand that there will be sounds of digestion, of food being broken down. I understand that I make sounds when I chew (and yes, sometimes I even annoy myself!). However, I think I can distinguish when someone is trying to be polite and not fill the room with the high-pitched sounds of their throat clicking as they roll nasty bits of hard food around their teeth, versus someone who is actually doing all that unapologetically.

Where is the outrage?! Am I the only one? Because whenever I look around to catch a sympathetic pair of eyes I see none. Is no one noticing the horrific sounds? How can a person MURDER food in their mouth like that and no one notice?

And don’t get me started on yogurt or any kind of creamy white substance, for that matter. It seems that the chewing-idiot is also a master of coating their lips in a thin film of white. Maybe it’s their entire bottom lip, maybe just in the corners of their mouth; but somehow I have to not only hear their nasty stupid mouth chew, but then see the remnants of their cream cheese and bagel breakfast coating their lips. Again, how are you an adult? Where were your parents when you were learning to eat baby food? Babies can chew with their mouths open and cover their face in food because THEY’RE BABIES. You, oh chew challenged neanderthal, are a tax paying adult who graduated college and pay a mortgage or rent somewhere. You have responsibilities. You have a reputation, and you have yogurt all over your face. Get. Your. Priorities. Straight.

I’m not attacking the occasional loud swallow. Nor the sometimes unavoidable crunchy chew. I understand the difficulties of eating soup or sucking pasta or noshing toast. I get the need to be a little vulgar and talk with your mouth full, sure. Go ahead. You’ll get very little protest from me. But, if I have to turn around and find out who is crunching in the snow that somehow wound up on the floor of the room I am in inside the building because your pathetic mouth doesn’t know how to eat closed: then we have a problem.

And gum. Don’t get me started. Just because you don’t swallow the candy doesn’t mean you have the right to salivate all over the green minty blob in your mouth and let everyone in your vicinity know your saliva glands are working. No, you can’t pop it loudly. No, you can’t pull at it with your juicy fingers. If you absolutely need to chew gum, it stays in your mouth, unless you’re hanging out with your 12-year-old cousin and want to have a bubble blowing contest.

Here’s a big problem: how do you tell a person to shutthefuckup when they haven’t said anything? They’re just innocently chewing. And, after the words have left your mouth and the “…fuck up” is still ringing in the air and they look at you like you slapped them and you’re sweating and realizing that your hands are clenched and ready to strike…. How do you tell them that it is really annoying to have to listen to every bit of saltine cracker crunch between their molars and spin around their teeth, stick to the roof of their mouth before being coaxed by their sticky tongue to slide down the back of the throat with a loud *gulp* sound? It never works. The dim-wit has no clue what you’re talking about and now you’re the office asshole.

I’ll keep my mouth shut. But, please: do the same.

February 10, 2015 at 8:30 pm by Natalie Allen