This Worry-Ridden 20-Something Life
And without any regard for how I feel, Time marches on with a swift and relentless pace. I blink and summer’s half over. Autumn’s purpose looms over me, as if my spine continues out of the top of my head and blooms into a thought bubble with a big question mark in black bold ink.
I don’t know want to do with myself! I have my whole life to figure out right now it seems. As so as I think about that, it feels like another year has come and gone! I now know more people dying then I’ve ever been made aware of. To them, time is precious, and they don’t know how much of it they have to map out: each moment is another opportunity to relive a memory or make a new one they’ve been meaning to make their whole lives. I watch as there is a relish to every spare walk that was unanticipated, every meal they eat, they laugh harder… And yet, here I am in my 20’s, with my health, with my whole life in front of me just worrying and worrying about what to do next, as if I’m in some race that I’m losing.
I keep asking myself the impossibly hard questions, they circle in my mind like mantras:
“What do I do to make a ton of money?”
“When will I find a job that fits?”
“I’m too smart and creative to be doing this shit, how do I profit from my own talents rather than working to better others?”
…and Time is the only thing that answers honestly. Time never lies about when next week will be here. Unfortunatly, it can’t tell me the job I’ll have in September, or how to figure out where I fit in with this weird thing humans call “being an adult” because what the hell does that even mean? I meet more nasty, boring, stressed out “adults” and wonder what the real reason for life is, other than to sit on Earth for a certain period of time and work for someone else’s dime. I sure as hell don’t want to do that, yet it seems like everyone of the living is. Like, it takes some horrific disease or illness to wake someone up and they realize that Time seems to be the only thing we can rely our lives on. Not “work” or “career” and the made up ideals of “success” that flash in front of our faces and dreams in bright neon colors.
But, whuddoIdo? How do I harness my seemingly infinite amount of human life that lies before me like an empty highway and drive to where I want to go, when I don’t know where I want to go!! I sit and worry and think and plan and Time mercilessly marches on. Half a year already gone, how did that happen?
How do I live the life and purpose of a dying person and not die?
August 1, 2014 at 3:22 pm by Natalie Allen