Recently, I’ve been trying to quantify just how much stress I feel is weighing on me. 10lbs? 50? And where…? My stomach? Shoulders? Heart? I feel as if I’ve been dealt all the accumulated stress that hasn’t been happening in the last few months all at once.

What drives me crazy are all the “guru” quotes and sayings out there that are meant to help me and only make me feel like a first world get-your-shit-together-you-whiney-white-girl, instead. Sayings like: “Think of all the possibilities and you are limitless” …What? What possibilities? That phrase is so general that I feel like it could be applicable to anything, like the poop I saw a bum take on the street a few days ago. That had limitless possibilities too, I guess. But, how is that supposed to make me feel better in times of trouble? Now I only think about that nasty turd. Gross.

I guess “This too shall pass.” is a better one to rest my mind on. However, I get frustrated with that phrase because I just want to know when preverbal “this” will “pass” and when I can get my life back in a place of bliss where the only stress is where I’m going to eat out for dinner. Wouldn’t that be nice? I do feel bolstered by the idea that many of my fellow New Yorker’s are stressed out as well (how can you not be in this city from time to time?) but in true “New Yorker way” I can’t imagine how everyone else’s stress is anywhere NEAR my stress and my stress is just about paramount to all problems so stay out of my fucking way and shut up. Pass this motherfuckers.

But I kid. Another phrase that bubbles to mind is “Everyone’s got something.” Yes. They do. I do. You do. We all doo-doo. Just don’t tell me about compassion or sympathy or patience because I’m not in the mood. Honestly, sometimes I just want to cry on the train so I can get attention from other people who probably look at me and wonder what tragedy is happening in my life and how glad they are to not be going through it. I know I greatly enjoy that feeling from time to time when I see a pathetic girl crying.

“Fear is a choice.” and “Happiness is a decision.” Now there are some real nut crackers. Talk about making me feel absolutely guilt ridden. When I’m upset, like, really really upset, like to the point where my chest feels restricted, and my palms are sweaty and my eyes start tearing up because I’m wondering how the hell I’m going to get through the bull shit that is happening and these thought bubbles drift through my mind: I feel like a total asshole. Did I decide to feel this terrible? Where’s my signature on that document?? I try to hold my head up and smile like a totally ridiculous clown, but the snot’s already running out of my nose and my chins shaking. Yuck. Fuck you “decision to feel terrible.”

I’m sticking to my stand-by which is this: “Be nice.” Simple. Easy. I tell it to myself over and over. Be nice to myself and to others. If I feel really bad, that’s okay. And if I feel like I want to kick a puppy and punch an old lady (I won’t do it) but I won’t beat myself up over thinking about it. I’m as nice as I can be. Even when I feel totally rotten on the inside and hate everyone. The last thing anyone wants to deal with is a nasty person, keep your nastiness to yourself because I feel nasty and don’t need to deal with your nasty.


June 7, 2014 at 7:59 pm by Natalie Allen