6 Things I’m Glad I Never Said

In a late night reflection of life’s choices I’ve collected:

6 Things I’m Glad I Never Said
in no particular order:

1. “Don’t marry her!”
I run up to their door, it’s pouring rain, I’m soaked in my white cotton shirt, I’m shivering (even though it’s summer). I peak inside to see if anyone is home. They all are: him, his fiancĂ©, her kid, their dog, and, I dunno… a gerbil. They’re all about to sit down to dinner. I knock. He answers. I say the fatal three words as the door opens thinking somehow by hearing them from my lips he’ll change his life, take the devastation of our break-up by the preverbal balls and go on a grand tour of South East Asia in order to find himself. Life never works that well.

2. “I think you’re a trite, ignorant, flop of-a-turd”
…anytime I’ve worked with someone I find incompetent. Especially bosses.

3. “Sure, I’ll move in with you.”
Giving up my apartment, my amazing rent, my balcony, my life; to move into a stuffy one bedroom where the guy I was willing to give my life up for would eventually wind up sleeping with another girl in a drunken night of loneliness while I was off staring at Noh theatre in Japan for three weeks. Dodged that bullet.

4. “Please don’t kiss me, my breath stinks and I have to poop.”
Instead I stuff a piece of gum in my mouth and gently excuse myself to “tinkle” for ten minutes. Ladies must always be dignified until you trap a man in your web of lies and reveal you’re actually a filthy nose-picking slob who farts after eating the third slice of pizza.

5. “I LOVE YOU”
Except it’s a totally inappropriate time to bring that up. Especially in the past when I really thought I would go under a bus for a guy who spent more time staring at his rippling pecs in skin tight tighty-whiteys than keeping track of what my life goals were. Or to get the attention of a guy I really want to date, but don’t know how to get his attention.

6. “I was the one who farted”
Said no kid, ever. In grade school and middle school, if I wanted to commit social suicide, all I would have needed to do was admit that sentence. I’d be a dead bug smudge on the windshield of life for ever and ever.

July 4, 2013 at 6:15 am by Natalie Allen