Complicated

C – Confusing. I like you! You’re sweet, you listen to me, you’re patient, you want to see me more, you’re honest and I’m not ready to commit.

O – The “Oh, Shit.” factor that happened last night when blast from the not-too-distant past, Mr. Kiss, texts me again.

M – Man, I want to have sex like that again… Mr. Kiss is flakey, a stereotypic hot-guy who repeats himself several times (“because you haven’t heard that story yet, right?”) and is one helluvah hot piece of ass.

P – Pausing, because I really like the Musician. He’s sweet, he listens to me without any kind of “shut up, lets fuck” attitude, he’s patient, and really smart. He’s also not the tall, chestnut-haired prince charming.

L – Love is what I’m after. I want to love someone, desperately. And I could, if I wanted. Yet, I keep thinking of all the men who are seemingly coming out of no where, and I pause the “L” button. Example: The Friend who recently revealed he wanted to sleep with me. “YOU DO?! I guess… I could do that. Maybe. If I’m drunk and single and we’re hanging out… but, I’m not attracted to you. Or am I?”

I – I’m single. I’m not emotionally. I’d feel really, really bad if I acted on an impulse and didn’t tell the Musician. My friends tell me that unless we’ve decided that we’re officially seeing each other exclusively I’m off the hook, but that doesn’t mean that’s a Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free card.

C- Considering my options. Because behind “Door Number 4″ is the College Buddy who made out with me on my bed a few weeks ago and wants to casually sleep with me. “I’m a really good kisser, like, really, really good. And I love to go down on women. We’d have fun. No strings.”

A- All of them are cute. All of them are worth considering. I’m at the point where, hell, I could sleep with them all, right? Take a chance on a college buddy I would never slept with when I was 20, a friend I never considered, an old lover I’ve been hoping would reach out again, and a guy I’m getting more and more comfortable with.

T – Totally loving this attention, but trying to play my cards right. Honesty is the best policy. Or is it? I’m learning, here. Being 25 has given me a sense of duty to adulthood, and adults (mature ones anyway) act on the healthiest options for everyone involved because that’s the right thing to do.

E – Even if I called off everything with everyone and just chose one guy, whoever that be, would that be the right call? Mr. Kiss would probably flake on me again (the old “radio silence” never-got-your-text bullshit he’s pulled in the past). Or, I start dating someone: The College Buddy, The Friend, The Musician… and even with a big fat “TAKEN” sign on my forehead I’d get surreptitious texts at 2am from other “TAKEN” guys who feel like their drunkenness is an excuse for telling me they want me to sleep over.

D- Despite the complications, I’m loving the attention. It’s ego boosting. However, I’m in no way looking to hurt anyone, because I’ve been burned in the past and wouldn’t want to inflict that pain on someone else (My ex, Serendipity, whose send off was: “I slept with someone else while you were in Thailand because I thought we had come to a ‘break’ in our relationship.” coming into sharp focus, here). Don’t know what I’ll do, trying to stay in the moment as much as possible. I’m going to call a few girlfriends and get their advice. I don’t have enough women in the mix.

June 22, 2013 at 4:32 pm by Natalie Allen