JEALOUSY [Jel-Low-See]: Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we all experience. But, when bouts of anger and seething hatred escalate into Jealousy attacks, it may be a real problem and strain on healthy mental functioning. Jealousy attacks include: envy, guilt, frustration, irritation, and jealous fits of tearful drunken sobbing. There is excellent treatment for Jealousy, and well as Envy, including chocolate and long conversations about how ugly that bitch is on the inside, anyway.

SYMPTOMS: Are Jealousy and Envy interfering with your everyday life? Have you had a Jealousy attack? These paragraphs should help you sort out the symptoms in yourself and in your inner child.

This sad, hopeless feeling just can’t go on. It’s affecting your job, your life. It seems like irritation, but could it be something more?

Many people with Jealousy also experience some degree of anger – anger that goes beyond the typical tension we experience when we normally see someone we just don’t like. For people suffering from Jealousy, the overwhelming wish to do that evil bastard in is constant – with obsessive thoughts, feelings of frothy irritation, trouble concentrating, gurgling guts, hot flashes, and fantasies of writing their phone number on a bar bathroom stall with the words “Free Sex Here” written above it.

Jealousy attacks are intense periods of self abuse and feelings of doom developing over a short period of time and are associated with at least four of the following:

- Thinking: “She’s so much prettier than me.”
- Wondering what their sex must have been like.
- Obsessing over why he never called, then making up reasons about a better person taking your place.
- Feeling clumsy and deranged
- Feeling ugly
- Wanting to change everything about yourself
- Obsessing over having not had a “second chance”
- Ignoring compliments
- Wishing you had what they had
- Hating his/her laugh because they sound so much happier than you feel
- Feeling less talented

COMMON TREATMENT: Considering how to help ease symptoms of Jealousy? Below is a list of common procedures and treatments used to treat Jealousy.

- Breathe, Damnit!
- You know? She probably feels the same way about you.
- Their sex is terrible, just like it was when you did it, remember?
- Talk to a supportive friend
- Reflect on your own accomplishments
- Is this a real problem with them? or is something else going on that is making you feel insecure?
- You’re insecure.
- Work out
- Stop eating really sugary processed food that makes your mood swing
- Take a hot shower and then draw on the mirror in your bathroom
- Go poop
- Meditate

Remember, Jealousy is a common feeling and affects millions of people daily. It’s important to know that only YOU can be the very unique you and no one else, no matter how hard you think you can morph into that hot body that other person has.

Inner peace can be the simplest cure to Jealousy.

(And also remembering that you’re wayyyyy funnier than that annoying guy in the office. Like, way, way funnier. Don’t be jealous of him! Nothing but “Free Sex Here!” He’s a dick.)

March 26, 2013 at 4:59 am by Natalie Allen