Thinking Like a Girl

6 Ways to Think Like a Girl!
By: Me.
A Comprehensive and TOTALLY TRUE look at the workings of a girl brain. 

6. I look Fat.

Nothing says stereotype like that statement. If you are striving to think like a girl, it is important to look at yourself in a mirror, grab a hold of your belly and flap the fat around a little. Maybe even stick out your middle to enhance the “I’m 5 months pregnant” look. Another great way to get that point of view is, in front of a mirror, hold up your arm and pretend wave to an imaginary friend in the distance and watch your arm fat jiggle. Compare and contrast, too! Do you look fatter than yesterday? All signs most likely point to “Yes?” unless you call up a friend and have them tell you you are not a fat fat fatty.

5. Wait. What?

Staying in the know-how about who is dating who and who slept with whom is very important! It is so important that keeping up to date with breaking news is not something you have time for. What tsunami  hitting the Solomon Islands? Have you ever even heard of the Solomon Islands? No! But, you do know all about the guy you’re trying hard not to sleep with and how he’s at this bar with his buddies because he posted a couple of grainy photos on instagram, but he slept with a friend of a friend and is therefore so off-limits it’s not even funny. And, according to your news feed, photos of dicks being drawn onto the snowy windshields of cars is what’s up. Duh.

4. I’m Never Gonna Put-Out for an Ugly Guy.

Gross. Ugly dudes? Gross. Don’t put out for them! Even if they bought you dinner! If you want to think like a girl: look at every guy you come across and rate them on a “Hot” to “Gross!” scale. Do they wear glasses? If they do, it can only be cool hipster glasses: otherwise, Gross! Are they totally ripped? Hot! Are they kinda funny in that way where they make fun of your hair in front of their friends, but then try and make out with you after two or three drinks? Hot! Are they talking about what they’re passionate in, like, reading? Gross! Be specific, too. Seriously, you can’t screw everyone! If you do, then you’re a slut.

3. Don’t be a slut!

Think like a girl, here. Sluts are not cool. Sluts sleep with your boyfriend. Sluts sleep with that weird nerd no one likes. Don’t be a slut. Have some standards. Jesus. Give ‘em a blow-job if you really feel bad, but that’s it, OK?

2. Be Connected to Your Emotional Self.

Nothing says “feminine” like crying like a baby on your phone in a crowded mall. No one is going to judge you if you’re upset and need to express yourself! Men can’t express themselves, except with one small tear that can romantically roll down their cheek when, like, their first baby is born, but otherwise they’re pent up horn-dogs. Girls can totally let it all loose! Did your boss yell at you for totally no reason at all? Cry about it! Did that bitch of a roommate make you feel stupid? Tearfully yell about it! Is life, like, totally unfair because that dumb cop gave you a parking ticket, and you tried really, really hard to get him to stop, but he wouldn’t and now your parents are gonna be super mad? Sob away, sister! We’re so lucky because we can cry, so everyone should see us cry!

1. Be Pretty.

This is the most important one. If you are not pretty, no one will fuck you. So, be pretty. If you need references on how to look your best give Cosmo a try, they’ve got all sorts of tips on how to wear your hair and lose ten pounds! You should always be concerned with your self image. It’s what makes you a girl, after all. *

*Note: No one has any real definition of what “pretty” really means, so if you are looking for an actual image, you’ll never find one. But, make one up and then keep changing that standard! It’s imaginative!

February 6, 2013 at 4:28 am by Natalie Allen