That Big Allegorical Thing in the Room

My writers block is not due to having nothing to write about; but rather way too much to write about and not a clear idea as to how to describe the thoughts which are whizzing around my brain.

I guess the best shot I can take is through allegory.

Imagine: a beating, hot, passionate, scary thing in a big space. One can’t really look too closely at the thing, but it’s there, almost like a burning sun. It’s indescribable because it can be so many things. When I try to take it in I am reminded of a prism for light: one thought goes in and a million fragments of rainbow come out. Then BIG words come in to focus:

I see: Love. Marriage. Forever.
And
I see: Failure. Sadness. Regret.

…And all the different shades of those thoughts bouncing off into the distance.

I don’t trust where I am in this allegorical place. I’ve been in this room, but I’ve never been in this situation before. In the past, I come to a place like this, and there is another person who enters as well. I know they are here with me because they just came in, invited, through a door labeled: “romantic interest” or “class-mate” or “the friend of a friend” and I look at that thing in between us and I see the millions of possibilities, but never the big words like I described before. Generally, like in the case of Kismet or Cutie or Dominoes

I see: Laughter. Flirtation. Sex.
And
I see: Annoyance. Longing. Disappointment.

But, those are the words and feelings I see with most people.

Now, I am in this place where that multifaceted sun-like-gem-like-passion-thing-y is staring me in the face and the person I am in the room with is as well, except he came in through a weird side door called “the best friend” door. And the two of us are dancing around this big thing and there is a question hanging in the air that makes me wonder: “Could we make this work?” and I then see those BIG words I described before and I get scared.

Our friendship is important to me. In fact, one of the most important aspects of my life. And I see Failure fly through that thing in the center and all the images of a relationship destroyed are brought to mind. And then, the opposite: Love and we fall passionately into something really strong, and the images of a life-long commitment to each other are brought to mind.

Oy.

A lot to ponder and think about. And the two allegorical avatars of “us” in that room continue to dance, on and on, getting closer and closer…to…what? And does a decision need to be made now? I don’t know. But that thing in between us is getting harder to ignore.

January 31, 2013 at 5:18 am by Natalie Allen