I yakked into the toilet, feeling comical. I haven’t puked since my return from Thailand, I thought as another wave hit me. It was just after everyone in the house had fallen asleep, right after I wrote my christmas post. I felt like my body must have decided to purge itself from all the food, talk, and stimulation of the day because: no one else was sick! Not even a small burp of queasiness. I didn’t drink. I didn’t do twenty jumping jacks on a full belly, I just talked and talked and talked and got emotional, and then talked again.
The last few weeks have been pretty stressful for me on the home-front. My room mates are going to be Ex-Room mates in a matter of (what feels like) minutes; and my sister, a mutual friend, and I will be taking over the apartment I live in in Queens come January 2nd. I was talking through the emotional baggage I still felt I was carrying, with my family, in front of our christmas tree and opened presents.
The reason my room mates are moving is a compilation and build up of a lot of issues that I will not go into detail about but, building over the past few months the issues have gotten to the point where my land lord stepped in and decided to evict them, putting me on the lease.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about this turn of events. First: These guys are my friends. Second: I’ve lived with them for 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 years respectively. Third: I’ve been wanting to have a space for my sister and I, so it’s really great we will be getting that. Fourth: We’re getting this space at the expense of my friendship with the boys, who have decided to not talk to me nor interact with me anymore (and I think it’s because they think I went behind their backs and had them kicked out.) Fifth: I therefore feel really bad that they feel that way.
My parents and siblings and friends applauded the new turn of events. They knew how tired I was of feeling like I did, living like I did. And it’s true. I feel relieved. I feel like a new chapter is beginning in my life. I will be living with two new people who will make me feel healthy and can grow with me.
I felt like an enabler for a long time, like a mother, like a nagging girlfriend, like a sister, like a bohemian pot-head, and like a cleaning maid. It was the place I needed to be for a while. Now, as I feel myself becoming more self-assured, more confident and happy, I’ve realized that my life has shifted into a new chapter as a result.
As I talked through this with my loved ones last night, I felt a release in myself when I realized that this was all a needed change: for everyone involved. That the apartment was not a healthy place for anyone the last few months. I felt better, the “survivors” guilt ebbing and changing into a last burst of strength needed to get through this last week of the year.
Puking sucks. It blows. But, hell, I’ll take it if that’s what I need to do.
Come on, 2013! Your arrival is eagerly anticipated!
December 26, 2012 at 9:15 pm by Natalie Allen