“You know what’s so cool about you?” I asked, a smile breaking on to my face. “I mean, a lot is cool about you, but what’s really super cool?” He shook his head, looking at me. “That.” I said. “You make so much eye contact. I love that. I feel like you really see me, and you’re open, like, you’re letting me read you.” I felt silly, like I suddenly switched languages and wasn’t able to quite communicate what I wanted to say. “You know? Like, so many people I know don’t make eye contact, they stare off and I don’t know where they go sometimes… It makes me feel lonely, but you look right at me. It’s really cool.” He smiled back.
“You’re easy to look at.” He replied. “You’re also very open.”
I leaned back onto the single pillow on his tiny bed and sighed. “I feel like melted butter right now.” I whispered. He chuckled, leaning in to kiss me again.
Now, a couple hours later, the morning has come and gone and I am back home. I feel worried. I keep trying to figure out what I want and what he wants and what I would do if I didn’t get what I wanted. This is a fascinating situation I’m in. On the one hand, I feel like there is nothing that I need to analyze yet about anything going on between Kismet and I. And, on the other hand, I feel like there is so much I could see happening.
I don’t think the english language has the proper vocabulary to describe all shades of love/relationship statuses. Like, this situation: In public we are at “friend” status (meaning, no hand holding, Public displays of affection or furtive glances) however, when alone we are “relationship” status (extremely affectionate, sweet and passionate). I don’t know what to call that. I am confused. How can someone feel so good and be so good to be around and it’s not a committed relationship? A casual hook-up is just that: no weight, no worry, no real passion. How can I get up in the morning after feeling so warm and weightless and go back to being the person I was the day before, after a night that made me feel like I once felt when I was dating Serendipity?
Am I a sucker for falling in love? Am I the girl who wears her heart right on her sleeve and then gets crushed when everything doesn’t become “happily ever after”? The answer, I believe, is Yes.
I’m tired of explaining how a person didn’t work out. I’m tired of feeling like every time I see someone it could be the last time. But, how can I control that? This is New York in 2012 and I am one of thousands of very pretty, smart, driven 20-something women who are all here to be loved and worshipped and sometimes I feel like I’m in a rat race for decent guys. So, whenever I find one, I feel like I struck a nugget of gold.
I think a New Year’s resolution will be to not worry so much. Yeah, it’s a tall, daunting and seemingly open ended task, but one that I want to work on. If I don’t worry, if I turn off the think-blinders and relax, I feel like melted butter: light, weightless, and warm. Kismet is still Kismet, whether I worry about him being something or someone else and the time spent with him makes me feel really, really good, and that’s fact.
November 2, 2012 at 6:35 pm by Natalie Allen