How To Be An Asshole: A Simple Beginner’s Guide.

*Disclaimer* Not everyone has the chops for being an incredibly self absorbed, shit-all-over-the-world jerk, so if you find any of these steps particularly difficult, then being an asshole may not be the proper path for you. Instead look up references for “How To Be Whiny” or “Ways To Annoy Everyone Around You (And Still Be Friends With Them).”

To be a total jerk takes very little patience and time. The true masters of this form of communication are spoiled children, and it is in your best interest to study their behaviors. Children, however, only have the raw abilities to say and do what they want and may very often get repercussions from their parents and the world around them. As an adult, it is important to realize that you no longer have any ties to reprimands or other people’s feeling. You must not just “let these boundaries go” you must not think of them at all.

The real artists can act on whims and carry out their thought processes quickly, and without judgment. It is therefore in your best interest to start with some phrases that can help open up your inner 6-year-old.

Everyday practice:

  • “…But that wasn’t me!”
  • “I’m not doing it.”
  • “This/That is so unfair!”
  • “I’m wasted.” 
  • “Fuck this.”
  • “Don’t tell me what to do!”
These are just some simple, self-absorbed catch phrases that can give you a jumping off point for further and more complicated reactions to the other people around you. 
It is important to note that true jerk-off’s are made stronger by ignorance and alcohol. 
Once you feel like you’ve got a good grip on the catch phrases, try following a couple of these easy routines:
  • Sleep through your alarm in the morning.
  • Don’t ever worry about being on time, but tell everyone you will be.
  • Instead of reading the news, gather your information from Facebook, and then quote it like a fact.
  • Post really angry and ignorant phrases on your social media sites like Twitter and Facebook. 
  • Hang out with other assholes
  • Get drunk: A LOT
  • Smoke weed in common areas (like a living room)
  • NEVER clean up after yourself
  • Be Selfish! If you feel like stretching out on the couch or taking up the bathroom for a half hour in the morning: do so. 
  • Play music you want to listen to really loud 
And most importantly:
  • Deny, Deny, Deny

Denying responsibility to anything is a very easy and painless way to be an asshole. If in doubt: claim ignorance all the time.

In Conclusion: The true Jerks of the world must always walk with the knowledge that the world revolves around them. Don’t ever, for a second, believe that your actions have effects on others! Once you start to realize that you are in fact hurting those around you, you are no longer a true asshole.

Next chapter: “How To Burn Bridges And Make Everyone Hate You” will follow some simple guide lines for taking your craft to the next level. Some topics covered will include:

  • Cheating on your loved one.
  • Sticking your friends with large burdens (like your medical bills).
  • Drunk texting all of your Exes. 

November 27, 2012 at 7:00 pm by Natalie Allen