Hot Mamas at the Gym

I stared at her hot-pink, skin-tight spandex capris and wondered what she was really doing at the gym. She didn’t even look like she had broken a sweat. She checked her hair in the mirror as I checked out what color thong she had on (blue). I was on the floor of the gym, on my hands and knees, red faced, sweaty, and stinky. I glanced at myself in the full length mirror across the room and noticed my recent aerobics had caused my red shirt to ride up my middle exposing the back of my pink, cotton, grandma-panties to the rest of the gym. It didn’t matter though, everyone who gave a damn about staring at hot chicks were checking out Ms. Pretty-In-Pink’s round rump as she pretended to do some squats.

I found myself getting a kick out of watching heavy-hitting beefy dudes’ eyes travel up and down the waist line of Ms. Pretty-In-Pink. She was getting what she wanted, I guess. Although I’ve never felt like the gym was a place that anyone went to in order to look like the best version of themselves. I go to the gym to blow off steam, feel healthy, sweat a lot and put off having to take a shower for another hour or so. So, when I see some hot-tottie walking around checking her iPod and casually lift a 2 pound weight I feel entertained. Yes, let me see what you got, girlie. I think as I continue with my crunches or lunges. I imagine these Hot Mama’s all hurried into a room with no dudes, and told to work out. What would they do? Awkwardly stare at the next chick’s neon green bra? Hmm…

I’m generally annoyed at the fashion trends for work-outs. I don’t think working out should be a production of who has the latest fashion trend! I’m moving, I’m putting myself in awkward positions I wouldn’t normally put myself in unless I was visiting a proctologist’s examination table, I’m not engaging with other people as I listen to Hip-Hop music blasting in my ears, and I’m pumping it! I want to look like a Hot Tottie after I’m done with the gym. Then, sure, I’ll throw on my ridiculous skin-tight black butt-pants and walk around pretending that I’m not getting my assets checked out. But, to me, the gym seems like such an ironic place to want to look spicy and sexy in cute, white cut-off’s.

Don’t get me wrong: people who go to the gym and are “in the zone” can be super hot, literally and figuratively. I’m attracted to guys and, especially, girls who show up and pump it. Those people are not there to casually bend over and let their boobs spill out or wear stupid looking shorts that let the viewer peek at their junk if within the proper vantage point (which, for some reason I find myself in more often than not). I think that the dedication to being fit and healthy is super attractive, and I applaud the people who “Bring it” when they show up. Get red-faced! Get sticky! Get sore and limp! Go the distance! Challenge me to keep up!

…At least, that’s what I tell myself when I peek across the room and see myself back on my hands and knees while Mr. Show-And-Tell is pretending to do pull-ups, and all I want to scream is “COVER UP! YOU’RE BALLS ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!”

November 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm by Natalie Allen