Handling Loss and Change

Handling loss is part of what makes us all unique. I think every person has a list of several past experiences that have formed them and prepared them for dealing with a major life change, like loss. I wrote about the “emotional self”and how if one were to physicalize that self one would see all the scars and burns and hurts that have been inflicted over the course of a lifetime to make that self look like it does. That body of emotion moves a certain way and reacts a certain way because of those wounds.

Recently I have been dealing with a loss at work. My Work Husband no longer works there and I have been grappling with the anxiety of what that means for me. I feel like the Husband of a family very suddenly and without warning left the house and, as the wife, I am now in charge of informing everyone that the guy left and I don’t have answers and I am very upset and I don’t know what I will do about it, and yes: times are changing; and yes: we all loved him, etc, etc. Life’s unfair: I keep telling myself that. Things will be OK: I also keep telling myself that.

We worked together for 2 years 3-4 days a week, 7-8 hour shifts. That’s a lot of time to spend with one person, and the fact that we were able to do so without too much drama or annoyance or complication is, I think, one of the most miraculous things about my life up until this point.

I stared down my fears about him leaving yesterday while on the phone with my career coach. I had guilt about staying at the job, anger, confusion, worry, and dread; all terrible emotions to have to carry and think about before going in to a shift at your day job. My coach was a rock-star. She really helped me level out the “boat” of my life and get me back to solid ground. And now, I am trying to roll with the punches and not live up to the expectation that, I think, some of my co-workers were expecting. I’ve laid out a couple of scenarios I think many of them might have been expecting.

Scenario #1:
Natalie blasts into the restaurant, hair on fire, shattering the doors of the entrance as she walks in. “WHO IS RESPONSIBLE!?” she booms and all tremble in fear. “I WANT DEATH!” she screams grabbing all responsible and crushing them as she cackles a terrible laugh.

Scenario #2:
Natalie slowly walks into the restaurant, head hung low. She has been crying for what looks like days. She cannot speak. She is inconsolable. She vomits on the floor when asked how she is feeling. She cries every 2 minutes and is finally sent home.

Scenario #3:
Natalie just doesn’t give a fuck. Fuck you! Fuck you! Lemme tell you what I think of you! You suck! You suck! You suckity suck suck fuck puck bluck slut!! She throws a bunch of napkins on the floor and spits on them. “I’m now telling you every deep dark secret I have ever felt and then I’m going to shit on those napkins!”She announces to an appalled staff.

I didn’t do any of those… Promise.

I will continue as normally as I can, because that’s what my emotional self is programed to do, like a life dance, and maybe this whole thing is a “wake-up” and I need to really focus on building my career now, and not be so comfortable in my day job.

November 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm by Natalie Allen