This past week has been a full on LetsGetThisOutInTheOpen-Fest. I didn’t plan to have all events stack up like they did, but, funny how in life it never just “rains” it “pours” all at once.
I don’t feel comfortable telling someone I have a problem, I don’t feel secure enough that the problem I have is large enough to say something so I generally talk myself out of saying or doing anything and hope that the problem just goes away… sometimes, they do. The alternative, however, sucks.
I always admire people I know who can voice their concerns and problems with a candor that can make my mouth drop:
“I don’t feel like doing that, and I’ll tell you why: because I’ve been working hard all day and I feel like you haven’t been pulling your weight, so you can just do the rest. I’m done.”
To which my version of the same situation would be a mumbled “Really?” then after a silence:
“I’m tired. I’m annoyed. You need to do more. I’ll help you, but, like, I really need you to do more… Okay? Do you understand where I am coming from? You don’t? Oh. Ok. Forget it then. No. Really. Forget it. No, I’m not angry, why the fuck would I be angry!? I’m just… tired.”
…And then, I wind up finishing the last of whatever the task at hand is while totally hating the person I am with.
This week I was in two confrontations: One was a fight and the other was a full on confession. Both issues with both people are on their way to being somewhat resolved, and I say that because I don’t believe that all things can go back to a thumbs up until both sides can lick their wounds and trust the other person again, but, man, finally getting “it” over with and saying what needs to be said feels SO GOOD.
Do you ever go into the bathroom, and when you know no one is there to walk in or overhear you, you start a monologue in the mirror imagining that there is a person you need to confront and you tell them everything? I do it all the time. I’m always perfectly eloquent, too! I know exactly what to say, I am confident, I am determined and I always win. Life doesn’t really line up like that, but self confidence sure gives the whole measure a boost.
The fight was a tough one this week because it was with a person that, outside of our differences, I really like. Plus, I feel like the two of us are very similar in how we deal with problems: to wait until things blow over, or things get so bad that we boil over and explode; which is what we both did. Hell, I was shaking I was so angry. I had to consciously breathe and work out how to not kill, pillage and burn after the worst of the fight. Instead of a rampage; I cleaned the apartment.
The confession was me looking at two options with the other person. Option A: To avoid and deflect the situation and let the Pink Elephant that was prancing around the room continue to exist and hang in the air. Or, Option B: To say, “Yeah. I did it. Now what?” …I chose option B. Cue the look of anger that flashes across their face: Oy. Shit. Now, I need to defend my choices and stay strong. I did. They deserved an explanation.
I feel better. I feel like I went through a whole lot of flaming loops, and my lips and cuticles are the perfect evidence of how much anxiety and nerves I felt as a result, but all the nervousness aside: the right thing happened. Confronting the problems made me feel a whole lot better, and even though the gauntlet was hard, I feel a lot more comfortable where I am now than where I was before the week started. I mean, jeez, stewing in your own anger and yelling at your reflection in the mirror doesn’t solve a whole lot.
November 29, 2012 at 4:50 am by Natalie Allen