I stood up from the breakfast table and walked into the kitchen. My sister was in the middle of sticking her head in the fridge and my step-brother was cutting a piece of pie from last night’s desert. My brother looked up first. “Uh. Caitie!? Nat needs… help.”

I imagined myself looking like I was in urgent need of assistance with well groomed hair, a calm attitude and a quiet but stern look of need, oh and maybe a nice new pair of well cut jeans on… what I probably looked like was a red-faced, wide eyed, hair flying, bushy-tailed animal-about-to-get-run-over-by-a-car with flapping arms and crazy gesticulations to my throat.

My sister looked up. I tried to breathe in, making a rattling noise. I was choking on a waffle.

Caitie’s eyes widened. She bolted from the fridge as the training she had learned when she was a Residence Assistant while in college began to guide her movements. In three quick heaves the food cleared my throat and I began to cough violently. *cough* “Thanks.” *cough*

I sat down trying to act totally calm and collected. “You okay?” My brother asked. “Yeah.” I said. Caitie went back to the fridge and my brother continued to cut his pie. I stared at the day old waffle I was eating and felt no appetite for food. My throat felt raw and I felt particularly stupid. Really? I choked on a day old gluten free waffle and not a bit on all the turkey I ate last night?

I felt like I had just lived through one of those moments where, in Hollywood, the victim of choking (who is generally a fat, slovenly guy packing away a 20oz. steak) just brushes themselves off and in a voice clear as day says “Gee, thanks” and then gets kissed by the concerned and useless wife, and in the real world: A coughing fit ensues to clear any excess food and then the victim feels like a totally jackass of a human being because all she was eating was a stupid stale waffle.

I stood up, threw out the rest of the waffle and cut into a piece of pumpkin pie. I’d have to try pretty hard to choke on that custard, I reasoned.

That was the first time I’d ever really choked on any food before. And let me tell you: no one looks particularly graceful when they’re getting a fist shoved into their diaphragm as they get bounced up and down from the sheer force of the heaves of the life-saver. Womp Womp. Choking sucks, I don’t recommend it.

Be safe out there folks! Day old breakfast can be a danger!

November 23, 2012 at 10:41 pm by Natalie Allen