Pink Eye (Almost)

Me. 6:30am. 3 hours of sleep.

Sitting bolt upright in bed: “Oh my god. I have Pink eye!!” (To no one in the room because sister is sleeping over at a friend’s.)

Throwing blankets off of me, I run down the stairs to the bathroom and splash water on my face. I look in the mirror at an exhausted and frantic looking girl. Oh my god. What will I do?! Both eyes are pink!!

I run back up to my room, throw open my laptop and begin to search for doctors in my area who would have an appointment open for me on a Sunday Morning last-minute-notice-and-all. I come up with a full battle plan involving my entire family and going to a hospital in Central New Jersey. I have to text my Work-Husband and let him know I can’t work today. I reach for the phone, knowing full well (because he’s my work-Husband a.k.a Co-worker Extrordinare) that he’s awake.

Text, text, text. Freak, freak, freak. I’mNotComingInToWorkTodayOMG. Co-worker says: Just let me know if in a few hours you still feel this way… (subtext: Go to sleep you silly, sleep deprived human.)

I lie back in bed and think about my life choices. No, I was not sticking poop-covered fingers in my eyes, c’mon, gross. My manager came in with pink eye a few days ago and, being the anxious Hypochondriac I can be, I assumed I had gotten it somehow.

I fall asleep and wake up feeling groggy and incredibly embarrassed. Did I just dream that whole thing, or was I really convinced that I had pink eye? I haven’t had pink eye since I was a little kid!

I imagine all these scenarios in which the Pink Eye would eat me alive socially. I’d have to wear sunglasses for a week straight! I’d have to put all these eye drops in my eyes (I HATE eye drops!!). I then see all my friends shunning me like they would a diseased and flea infested mongrel. Then, the real kicker: I imagine all the guys I have ever kissed, ever, and what their faces would look like, if for whatever reason, they were making out with me and I suddenly developed the nastiest, crustiest conjunctivitis the world has ever seen. EWW!! Oh my god how mortifying! “No! Please, ________, don’t leave! It’s just allergies, I swear! Where are you going!? Nooooo!!” and then, in slow motion, I am turned into a Monty-Python cartoon of myself and thrown off a cliff with a little talk bubble trailing me with “No!” written on it.

Run-a-way imagination, much?

Try living in my head for a few hours. Yeesh. So much racket I can’t even get a full night’s sleep these days.

September 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm by Natalie Allen