The dark and negative side of things suck.

I consider myself a glass half-full person, so when I find myself pulled into a fighting match where I beat myself up in my head, I have to realize that that is not who I define myself as: that it is a temporary cloud burst which will eventually rain itself out.

Sometimes it can be a gorgeous day out, like today, with a small warm summer breeze pushing a few wisps of hair around, and a blue clear sky with a bright hot sun. I could be walking down a street admiring some grass in the cracks of the sidewalk when suddenly: the Dark creeps in. The Dark rolls over the blue clear day and tells me nasty things I don’t want to think about. Why? Where does that come from?

I think that the Dark and Negative is a form of protection, honestly. The mean, negative thoughts can be a way to take my mind off of really thinking on something I don’t want to think on, right?

Sometimes I meet people who seem to be in a perpetual twilight. Their sun only comes out occasionally, and even then doesn’t seem to warm them up and help them grow to be the person they could be happiest being. Sometimes even being around those people brings on clouds of my own and I can find myself lacking the necessary “Vitamin D” to help my mind grow and stay healthy. Those people are tough for me to stay around for any length of time.

Not to dismiss sadness, anger, or frustration as bad places to be. There are times when I just need to be sad or angry. There are times when I purposefully call up to my sky and push the clouds in front of my sun and cry and feel really good about doing so. That’s not what I call “The Dark.” The Dark is when I’m not even aware of how negative I feel until I look down at my fingers and realize I’d been biting them the last few minutes, or when I get interrupted from thought to realize, in the echoes of the disappearing meanness, that I was calling myself names I would never allow anyone to call me. Why would I ever call myself those names, then?

We are our own worst enemies. We are the only thing keeping us from being the best version of ourselves, aren’t we? I am thoroughly convinced that the people who are the best at what they do, are not the best at what they do, they just thoroughly and without any apologies believe that they are doing the best they can and that they believe that without any hint of hesitation.

I am working hard to be the best I can be, by forgiving myself when I am not.

July 26, 2012 at 3:17 am by Natalie Allen