Spilled Milk

What does one do when the magic disappears? Or, more specifically, what do I do when the magic drains out through some unseen hole in the sidewalk and suddenly I am left making out with a man I am very suddenly not attracted to, on a side street in New York City?

The night went really well! Perfectly… almost. Except, why did I not feel a buzzing, humming feeling of joy and excitement when I looked at Mr. Tall? We went out for dinner at a Thai restaurant and chatted about our days: Yes. wonderful. He’s nice and attentive. Great. Liked the friendly laugh he gave me. Check. Oh, he touched my leg! ….Uh…Where’s the girly delight?
We walked over to the theatre. He bought tickets to see the Moth Story Telling Slam! WHAT!? That’s a wonderful surprise! Check! Oh, he’s taken my arm again. How nice, he’s such a gentleman. He cares about the fact that I had a headache today. Very Sweet. He’s laughing at something I said…uh…Wait. I don’t like something here. Why am I not dying to kiss him based on a laugh? Where is the exuberant giddiness that comes from when our eyes meet? Um… CUPID!! Where are you?
We sit down in the Town Hall Theatre on 43rd street. He’s got us tickets to a real Broadway event. I love the Moth Storytelling. It’s a great experience. He put his hand in mine. That’s sweet! He is chatting about the people in the program. Nice. Knows his stuff about the story telling. He’s rubbing my back. Like a Boyfriend should, right? …uh… boyfriend? Did I think that? Do we look like a couple? Maybe that’s a good thing. mmmm…no. No, I am not getting a warm fuzzy feeling about that at all, actually. What? Aren’t I dying for a boyfriend?!
We go uptown after the fantastic show. He takes me to a cafe for a slice of pie and some jasmin/green tea. We chat about our families. He’s so different than me. That’s not a bad thing. He’s close to his parents. Great. He’s into family. Wonderful. I don’t care. …uh… I Don’t care? Why don’t I care? He’s so nice! He really likes me! He really, really likes me. I feel it. But I don’t feel the same way I did last time.
We walked out of the cafe and he pulled me in for the kill. I began to kiss him and feel his arms pull me in close. I wanted so badly to want this. I wanted to throw my arms around him with a lover’s abandon and give myself over to the romantic street make-out-at-midnight thing that this could have been. But I couldn’t make myself feel that. In fact, I felt the opposite. I felt his lips move down my neck and I opened my eyes and looked at the street and felt… nothing. No stir. No “Oh, this feels so nice! And was so badly needed! Take me, I’m yours!” An ambulance squalked by and the lights and noise broke the spell.
Me: Well, I need to go home.
Tall: Ok, It’s late. You are taking the train…
Me: Yep.
Tall: It’ll take you an hour to get home from here.
Me: Yeah.
Tall: Do you want to go home?
Me: …uh… What do I say? I want: to want to sleep over. But, the idea of sleeping in my own bed is very appealing. Yeah, I should go home.
Tall: Ok. I have another event planned for our next adventure!
Me: What was that sound? I think my heart just broke… Great! That sounds great!
Tall: Good night, Beautiful.
Me: Good night... (Tall pulls me in for one last kiss) Oh, I feel so mean. So evil. As if I stole Cupid’s quiver and snapped each arrow so that all of them were broken on the floor.

I took the train home and while walking back from the station to my apartment I felt lost in thought. I had put on some music so I could let the beats of some monotonous tune drown out the conflicts rattling around in my head. Then suddenly, and without warning I began to laugh. I seriously El Oh Elled. Holy Cow, I thought. I am so very anxious about hurting his feeling that I am inflicting a severe amount of uncomfortable pain on my part. It’s not my fault that chemistry was lost between the two of us! It happens. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s OK. He’ll get over it. And I learned a lot about what I want from my next relationship. That was good to know. I shouldn’t beat myself up. I can listen to the music and enjoy it without guilt associated with everything I do. The remainder of my walk was spent walking to the beat of the song in my ears.

November 3, 2011 at 10:54 pm by Natalie Allen